his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
