Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
