I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pants are for mortals
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