Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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