o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Drunk is a universal language darling
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
