I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
