he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
