sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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