Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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