May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
