bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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