I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
two words...techno handjob
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
