I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
