So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
