I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
