Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
