Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
