Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
