She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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