The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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