The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
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