nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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