I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
