sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
