I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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