quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Bring me that man meat
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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