so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
