im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
