i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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