After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
