U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
