I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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