Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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