She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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