I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
