I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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