i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
