So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I understand Curling. That high.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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