dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
