I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do herpes really smell.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
