Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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