How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
