textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
