she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
