my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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