Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
