I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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