dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
