maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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