its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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